Wednesday, September 7, 2016

So here's something that's been brewing in my mind.  If we adopt again, once more... Our family will be complete.  Well, unless God has other plans.  But for now, we are thinking we might have one more adoption in us and the we are done. A family of four.  I really wanted to breast feed a child.  I didn't really know that until recently.  I've said often I wasn't sure what I'd do if I was given the choice.  But lately it's become more and more real to me and I want(ed) to breastfeed.  I've morned never being pregnant.  I'm excited that Tyler doesn't look like us and gets to grow up to just be Tyler.  I am ok with the fact I wasn't the first person to looks him.  Heck, I've even come to terms with the fact that I'm not even his first mom.  But it really sucks I never breastfed him.  I don't know why.  I don't know why it's become something that keeps me awake at night.  I don't even know what made me think of it to begin with.  Maybe it's just another step in moving on?  I'm not sure.  But that's what's keeping me awake at night folks. 

Monday, August 22, 2016

 I So about a month ago we got matched again.  This past weekend I saw on Facebook the mom named the baby and posted a picture of her bump. So basically, she changed her mind.  The part of this that surprised me the most wasn't that she changed her mind but how much that hurt.  The tears that I couldn't control.  The loss.  The ache.  I wasn't ready for that.  I know what you're thinking.  I've gone through this a million times.  I should be ready.  I should be prepared.  But I wasn't.  I feel like we are supposed to be a family of four.  Tyler is supposed to be a big brother.  We have room for one more.  But God must see it another way because instead of growing my family, I cry.  Not tears of gratitude or love, tears of sadness and hurt.  Tears of lonely and wonder.  I know there are moms who cry tears of just wanting one. Just having one child to love.  But having one and lonely for more is just as hard.  

It doesn't seem fair that Tyler will never have a sibling. It seems so lonely for him to grow up without a playmate.  A best friend.  Who will be here with him when we are gone?  Who will he call when he's in trouble and doesn't want us to know? Who will grow up to be is best friend?  I know multiple kids are hard. I get it.  But it's not fair for Tyler.  I'll take the hard for his benefit. He deserves that.  

My heart hurts today.  I know that hurt will gr easier but today. Today I'm sad. 

Friday, July 29, 2016

Welcome back?!?

It's been almost a year since I've written anything. Wow.  In that time we have moved, gotten new jobs, and started working in adoption #2.  Dang.  I have finished my bachelors degree.  Tyler is growing and becoming super fun.  We have gone to NY and MN.  We have spent a ton of weekends visiting friends and family all over Wisconsin.  I miss blogging.  In a way that I never thought I would.  Sometime I just need to vent and I'm 100% sure my friends do not want me to just word vomit all my thoughts to them every night.  So I'm back.  This might be my last post for another year or maybe I'll post a bunch.  I don't know.  But I know I need a safe zone.  A space I can get it all out.  So welcome back friends.  I'm here, for now. 

Being a mom is so much different than I ever thought.  Better in every way.  I never knew how easy it was to love another human unconditionally.  Sure I love Scott and family and friends but my love for Tyler... That's a weird kind of feeling. He stresses me out.  He gets on my last nerve. He doesn't listen and he hardly cooperates. He pulls my hair and throws food in restaurants. Yet I just keep loving him more and more.  And when I have to leave him behind so I can go to work or eat a meal with a friend in peace, I instantly forget about the poop on the new carpet or the plants he dug up in the backyard.  The first time he said 'bath' which sounds nothing like bath, I cried.  Tears people.  There were tears.  Tyler can't talk well. He struggles with mom and dad and he for sure did not have 10 words by 18 months.  But he said bath and it was like none of that mattered anymore. 

Which brings me to the other part I didn't truly understand before I became a mom... The worry. Tyler was sick when he was a baby. I worried about everything that went into his mouth.  He was small and I worried he'd never grow.  (He's a giant now in the 40% thank you very much).  When we outgrew his reflux and his allergies at 14 months we started the next hurdle. He loves to run and climb but he's a clutz.  He falls a lot.  And fine motor skills?  Not going well.  Speech?  Well, it could be worse I guess.  But it surly could be better.  We are on the fence with birth to 3.  I got the referral but I haven't called them to set up the evaluation. I don't know what I'm afraid of.  But I don't want him to feel pressure. If he's a little behind, I want him to catch up when he's ready.  How hard do I push him?  How much do I worry?  

And Tyler is the sweetest, most loving boy. When he wants to be.  Mostly he likes to throw things. Or dump out toys.  He doesn't actually play with anything.  He doesn't really do toys. He loves the pool or having water dumped on him.  Baths and showers are his jam. But toys?  He could do without.  Which makes play dates hard. I don't like taking him places because he's destructive. He likes to jump off things that aren't meant for him. He doesn't want to play with the duplos because they frustrate him.  He doesn't have the attention span to watch tv or read books. But he will randomly run up to me and give me a kiss. Right before he climbs on the fireplace and bangs on the glass.  

So we decided this stress and crazy wasn't enough and wanted another one. So we buckled up for another rollercoaster ride for number 2.  I wish we could wait 9 months.  Now that we've decided we don't want Tyler to be an only child, I wish I could go off birth control and we could let God take over.  Then we'd have 9 months to prepare when it actually happens and a year from now Tyler will be potty trained and we will have our family complete.  Unfortunately that's not how it works. If we wait another 6 months, we might miss out on our only chance.  If we get a match they might be due tomorrow.  We might have our hearts broken 4-5 more times before we get to bring home another baby.  So we decided it's now or never.  We are giving it one year. If we don't have baby #2 by this time next year, we are probably done trying.  And maybe #2 will be here by Christmas. We have no idea what the future holds.  I spend a lot of time praying for patience and acceptance.  Whatever shall happen, will happen. One day at a time and one prayer to the next I pray for peace. We know in order to grow our family another family must experience great loss and heart ache. We know this isn't an easy road for anyone.  And that makes it hard.  That makes this entire process the single hardest and greatest thing we will ever go through. 

And with that my friends, I'm out. Until next time. 

Friday, August 14, 2015

Not much to report.  Just rocking my baby who only sleeps in 1-2 hour chunks, while planning how to get my house ready for a showing in about 14 hours while there are three extra grown men staying here for a week, air mattresses, a camper in my driveway and more dirty towels then I knew we owned.  My homework is due by midnight, have I started it yet?  Ty's birth mom is coming over at 3pm tomorrow and I said I'd have dinner.  Oh and did I mention Scott is leaving with said men at 6:39am to go watch the PGA?   Yea not much going on over here.  

Sunday, June 7, 2015

I know I haven't blogged for a long time and I'm sorry if you check in on this blog and think... hmm... wonder what she's up to these days.  So here's the low down (quickly)

I'm up to a lot.

1.  Still in school.  I am taking graduate STATS right now.  Since Ty came home I've finished two grad classes and 1 bachelors class.  They are time consuming.  They are not fun.  They are not exciting.  They make me want to poke my eyes out.  However, I still have a perfect GPA at CUW.

2.  Scott is finishing up a two year 'project' at work which means, some nights he gets home after 9pm.  Some nights he's home at 6 and exhausted.  Ty and I have gotten good at getting things together when it's just the two of us.  We are so excited when daddy's home, we don't get much done at all.

3.  We're selling our house.  We'd like to move to Kohler (a whole 7 mins away) into a village with better schools and a smaller neighborhood feel.  We fell in love with a house but they won't accept an offer until we sell ours.  We are working hard at getting it sold and feeling very defeated at times.

4.  I'm still working full time.  I have one half day and Ty is with me on that half day.  That translates into us running around trying to squeeze things in between feedings and naps and not getting much else done.

5.  Ty doesn't really nap.  He is the king of cat naps... unless he's in the car. Then he sleeps like a champ.  He also doesn't sleep through the night.  He gets up at 12-12:30 and 3:30-4 to eat.  Every.  Single. Night.  Feeding him and getting him back to bed takes a good 45 mins.  We're exhausted.

6.  Ty is high maintenance.  We spent a lot of time and trial and error to learn he's allergic to cow's milk.  He has a soy intolerance.  He also failed rice cereal, oatmeal, squash and bananas so far.  In March we spent a lot of time at doctor's appointments and testing at Children's Hospital to learn he also has severe reflux and his intestines were bleeding and inflamed.  Needless to say, he takes a lot of time and energy but I'm happy to say he's doing SOOO much better.  Still a little peanut, but growing.

7.  Because of his 'issues' he can only eat 3-4 ounces at a time.  We have tried time and time again to feed him more but he gets super sick when we do.  Which means, we feed him every 2-3 hours... day and night.  He doesn't stay full for long.  We've passed avocados and carrots now so we are hoping the more real food he eats, the more full he will stay.  We'll see.  I'm over washing a million bottles every day.  And feeding him every time I turn around.

8.  I'm a new mom.  In case you didn't know, I have wanted this for a really long time.  And every free second I have, I spend it loving on my son.  He's spoiled.  Like REALLY spoiled.  I hate hearing him cry.  He's my baby and he relies on me to take care of him.  So I do it the best way I know how and sometimes that means spoiling him.  

So that's our life lately.  We are taking it one day at a time and just enjoying being a family of three.  We finalize the adoption June 19th at 3pm.  We can't wait!  That court room will be filled with tears of joy and relief.  

Thanks for hanging in there with me... someday I hope to blog more regularly again.  I sure do miss it.

Monday, March 16, 2015

life lately has been... challenging...

i love my son more than i ever imagined possible.  he is my world.  he is the reason i go to work everyday.  the reason i get out of bed.  i try everyday to be a better person for him.

but he's hard work.

and i don't just mean not sleeping, having to get ready two hours before we want to leave the house, the extra STUFF i need when we go places, the feeding him, the changing him... all the normal baby stuff.

tj is a hard baby.

i know there are babies that are sick.  that are hospitalized.  that have real special needs.  there are babies that require regular doctor's appts and specialist.  there are babies that struggle so much more then tj.  i get that.  (this is my disclaimer...)

here's tj's health history in the first 3 1/2 months.

dairy intolerance, switch formula to soy.   hip clicks, ultrasound at 2 weeks.  eczema.  possible soy intolerance, trip to ER, switch formula again, this time nuetramogen.  not eating, switch formula back to soy.  cold, start of pneumonia, first round of antibiotics.  excessive vomitting and crying, start zantac.  constant drooling and running nose WAY too soon.

our son does not nap at daycare.  20-30 mins at a time 2-3 times/day.  twice he's napped for more then 2 hours.  he cries... a lot.

many people have told us he cries too much.  we must spoil him.  he needs to sleep in his crib.  he needs to sleep in his bassinet.  he needs to be held more.  he needs to be held less.

many people have told us he pukes too much.  he must have reflux.  he must not like his formula.  feed him less.  feed him more.  change his bottle.  change his medications.  adjust his crib.  hold him upright after he eats.  lie him on his belly.

we agree... he cries A LOT.  he cries so much we sometimes have to lay him in his crib and walk away.  it makes us cry.  we try to let him cry it out.  we try to rock him. we try to keep him stimulated.     we try to stimulate him less.  we hold him.  we rock him.  we walk with him.  we do whatever we can think of.  but he sleeps fine, once he's a sleep.  it's the in-between that's hard.  (no really, he sleeps for 6-10 hours depending on his last feeding.)

we agree... he barfs A LOT.  we try feeding him less more often.  we try feeding him with different bottles.  we've tried different nipples.  we're tried gripe water.  we've tried zantac.  he's already on soy formula.  we've tried probiotics.  we hold him upright to feed him.  we hold him upright after he eats.  we try to burp him often.

our social worker came for a visit last week and said tyler might be the cutest baby she has right now, but he's the one with the most problems.  it makes me feel like a failure of a mother.  i don't have another baby to be like, i did it fine before, the problem is obviously not me.  i don't know anything.  all i know is tj.  all i know is how much i love him and how hard i try to keep him happy and healthy and to love him unconditionally.

i'm crying as i type this because even though i know it's not my fault... my son is a hard baby.

i worry everyday that he won't start gaining weight again.  i worry what this will do to his development.  i worry i'm missing something obvious.  i worry daycare won't take as good of care of him because he's difficult.  i worry no one will ever want to hold him or love on him.  i worry everyone around me is judging me.  i worry my husband will love me less because i'm not a better mom.  i beat myself up every time he barfs.  every time he cries i feel people judging me.  his tears, his screams, his hurt... it all hurts me more then anything i've ever felt.

but he has a smile that melts my heart.  everyday he is learning new things.  everyday he does something that makes me love him a little more then the day before.  i do a lot of laundry.  he smells horrible.  he's constantly covered in barf and people won't like to hold him because of it.  but he's my everything.

my crying, barf covered everything.

Sunday, March 8, 2015

Two Month Update

Size 2 Honest Company Diapers

Eating 3-4 oz at a time every 3 hours
Wearing 3-6 month clothes
Waking one or two times each night
Sleeping in the rock n play

 Getting more and more brave each day and taking him on adventures... exciting things like grocery shopping!  Went to see dad at his work and went out to lunch.  

He is starting to hate his car seat... yet he takes his best naps in it.

Went to spend 4 days in Rio at Grandma and Grandpa Bradley's house for my birthday.  While we were there we were able to see all three Lang kids play basketball and spend a lot of time with Mason.  It was a cousin filled weekend.

My last month as a stay at home mom went quick.  We were starting to get into a routine and finally figuring each other out.  During this time, our friends and family threw an epic baby shower.  It was the size of a small wedding!  Over 100 people came to meet Tyler and shower us with gifts, love, and support.  It was mostly family with some close friends thrown in.  It was so great to see every one.  Some of the people there we haven't seen in years!  (Literally).  I wish there was more time in the day and more days in the year to spend in fellowship.